HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB...

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

German Shepherd: I'll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling.  Leave it for the servants.

Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? 
Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

CHOW CHOW: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!

AKITA: I'm with the chow and malamute! What's for dinner?

Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it!  I just
KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL mine!!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.


Famous Dog Quotes

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain


Things Dogs Must Try To Remember


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky doghide on the bed after
a run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.

2. I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a
wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).

3. I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears,
eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.

4. I love thee well - despite the amazing odours you produce.

5. I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.

6. I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate
places.

7. I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.

8. I love thee truly - despite the "doggie landmines" hidden in the grass.

9. I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.

10. I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).

11. I love thee devotedly - more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.

12. I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.

13. I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.

14. I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.

15. I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life.

author unknown


SEVEN CLUES THAT YOUR DOG MIGHT BE IN CHARGE

1) You bought a bigger bed so that the dog could have more leg room.

2) You never forget to kiss your dog before you leave the house:
the same, however, cannot be said of your disgruntled spouse.

3) You introduce yourself to every dog you meet as
"(Your dog's name)'s mamma/papa."

4) Your dog's wardrobe is as large as yours.

5) You let your dog have canine guests over; in fact, you insist that he socializes.

6) You tell your dog secrets you wouldn't dare tell your spouse.

7) You watch TV sitting on the floor, so that the dog can sit on the couch behind you & rest his chin on your shoulder for a good view.


POODLE POWER 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.  The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

 "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,  "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says......

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 


 

The Doggie Pledge

 


 

"Why Dogs Can't Use Computers"

  • He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
  • Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
  • Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away
  • that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
  • The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
  • He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."
  • It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
  • The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
  • He can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.